Call it a breakdown or an awakening, for me they were the same thing. It was hellish, scary and dark. For some people it is a sense of unrest and disruption that makes life difficult, for some it means more serious consequences which look more like a complete breakdown. Today, my scary awakening is a fairly distant memory and, whilst I don’t regret the experience, there are some things I really wish I had known. So, if you are in the midst of it all, here they are for you and don’t forget, the horrible storm will pass:
1. You’re overwhelmed, just stop.
Most of the scary symptoms and weird sensations came about because I was pushing myself to keep going when I needed to stop. ‘I can’t be tired,’ I thought. ‘I’ve hardly done anything today.’ Because of this attitude, I would force myself to keep going. So, instead of having symptoms of being tired and lethargic, I had symptoms of being tired, lethargic, panicky, light headed and breathless. Of course, if you experience such symptoms, the first thing to do is to get checked by a health professional to be sure you have no underlying physical health condition that may be causing the symptoms. Once you’ve done that, consider that awakening often causes major overwhelm which,when we push ourselves beyond our sensible limits, can cause this sort of reaction. Just stop, take a breath and allow your body to catch up with the ascension.
2. You need to stop scaring and scolding yourself
I knew I wasn’t ill and that I would come through it – deep down I absolutely knew it – but still I hounded myself and constantly questioned myself. I told myself I was pathetic, I picked on myself for being weak, I hid myself away because I was embarrassed, I worried that I would get judged and I judged myself. I needed to stop going over every symptom or behaviour telling myself stories about them. All I did was scare myself and inhibit my progress. Life would have been much easier if I’d not continued to make the situation worse by scaring and scolding myself for what was happening within me.
3. You’re just transforming
How much happier I’d have been if I’d opened my mind and heart to the possibility that the spiritual awakening I’d been hoping for all my life was indeed happening. How great would it have been if I’d accepted that I was perhaps transforming to greater things? If I had seen that I could actually come through the experience as a more evolved, happier person, I am sure I would have panicked less. The truth was I thought I would come out of it a less evolved and developed person as a result of the experience. This clearly made coping with it almost unbearable at times.
4. It’s a spiritual awakening
For ages I thought I had ‘anxiety’, unexplainable fear and perhaps some sort of mental illness. I didn’t – I was going through an awakening. I just couldn’t believe that anything so painful, extreme or gut wrenching could be a spiritual awakening. It can and, for me, it was. If you are all checked out medically and yet still feel like it is the end of the world and you don’t know why – consider the fact that it is indeed ‘just’ a spiritual awakening.
5. You should be proud of what you’re coping with and conquering
I was so very embarrassed and felt humiliated in the midst of my experience and yet I was actually showing great courage, resilience and determination. I was just evolving and transforming and, whilst it felt terrible, I was showing myself and the world my humanity, the reality of human experience and what it takes to burst from the chrysalis. The idea of ‘having everything together’, being a go getter and being free from angst and pain is just that – an image. It isn’t real; it belongs on glossy magazine pages and well cultivated social media feeds. It isn’t how anyone really is.
You may feel totally crazy, inconsistent, out of it and beaten down but you are not the exception my friend, you are indeed the norm. I felt like an absolute freak when I was awakening and the most terrifying part for me was that I was ‘losing my mind’. The reason I thought it was because, when I looked around me, other people didn’t talk about these experiences as part of life. These ‘symptoms’ were ‘the exception’ and a level of weakness and illness was implied if you exhibited any of the them. This concept put the most almighty amount of fear in me and drove me to hide it. Consider, if you feel like I did, that tons of other people feel this way too. They are just hiding it for fear of what speaking the truth will mean or the consequences it will have.
There is really nothing wrong with you. You’re just a human being having an evolving and awakening experience. Even though it might feel terrible at times, nothing lasts forever. Hold on to the fact that, once you do evolve, you will be a clearer, more focused and happier person. What is happening to you now is ultimately a good thing. Be patient, be kind and be open.
I hope that my 5 things I wish I’d known was helpful to you. Please get help if you need it; reach out to those who love and care for you and know that you are not a freak, an exception or broken. Life is sometimes very hard and awakening even harder at times. Be kind to yourself and follow your intuition and, as I said at the start of today’s blog, know that it will pass – it feels like it won’t, but it will. Soon enough you will not be back to normal, you will be beyond where you ever were before and that is something to hold on to and look forward to.
Love Kat xx